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More of a Convenience Thing - Skwikspells


Jul. 21st, 2004 01:10 pm More of a Convenience Thing

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Summary: Draco is tired of Harry annoying him all the time, so what does he do? Develop a plan to bring the Gryffindor into his bed, of course! How could Harry ever resist the power of badges?

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. He is tied up in my cellar. I own Harry Potter just as much as I own Tokyo Tower (don't I wish?).

Notes: Betaed by gertiekeddle, who is fab. And dark_eyed_amy, dear, I promise I haven't mentioned any squicks in this. You're safe, for now.


Mission: Make Potter Fall in Love with Me


Draco looked down at his paper. He was developing the perfect plan to rid himself of all his Potter issues - the fighting (spending so much time in the evenings making plans to humiliate Potter had caused his marks to suffer somewhat), the endless frustration (honestly, that boy couldn't do anything right) and the hard-ons he got at inappropriate times (Draco figured that having Potter with him wouldn't stop them, but Potter could at least alleviate his discomfort). He was just having a little trouble with naming the mission. "Mission: Make Potter Fall in Love with Me" sounded a bit too girly for his taste. It wasn't as though he wanted Potter to love him for the sake of love; it was more a convenience thing. If Potter was in love with him, he would be less likely to purposely annoy Draco.


Mission: Get Potter to Like Me Because it's Convenient


He absently scratched his chin with his quill, trying to come up with something better than that and wondering whether he should make a badge. He was at loss as to what to write on it, though. "Potter, you sexy bastard, meet me outside the Great Hall at midnight" didn't seem right, somehow. It wasn't subtle enough.


Mission: Kill Potter for Being a Gryffindor Prat Who Can't See What's In Front of Him


Mission: Potter Is a Sexy Bastard and Should Spend the Rest of His Life By My Side


He didn't want it to be permanent; just until they got out of school and wouldn't have to come into contact with each other anymore. And he couldn't write just anything on the top of the paper; what if someone found it?


Mission: Get Potter to Lie Down Once and For All.


There. That would have to do. On some level, that could be interpreted as "I really want to kill Potter and so I make up dastardly plans to make it happen". Now, for the actual plan...



Step 1. Make Potter open to the idea that maybe Draco Malfoy isn't such a bad fellow, after all.


"So, Potter, what do you think about this weather?" Draco called out as he sauntered up to Harry before Friday morning's Double Potions. "Nice, eh?"


Potter blinked stupidly at him. "What do you want, Malfoy?"


"I just want to talk about the weather! Is that forbidden now?"


Potter narrowed his eyes and glared. "I mean, what is your ulterior motive?" He sneered, and Draco wanted to throw him into Azkaban for planting inappropriate ideas in the heads of innocent students at inappropriate times. "Here to 'have me' again?"


Oh. Damn you, Potter.


"I just think the weather's nice! Is that so wrong?" Draco turned up his nose, smiling inwardly at how witty he was. "Of course, maybe you don't appreciate conversations about the weather--"


"No, I don't, especially not with you." Potter interrupted him flippantly.


"--what with being so plebeian and all," finished Draco with a glare. "Everyone talks about how nice the weather is."


"Especially when it rains and they're down in the dungeons, right?" Potter rolled his eyes and turned away, leaving Draco to gape after him. How dare he? No one turned his back on a Malfoy--especially not on Draco--without getting what was coming to them.


"YOUR MOTHER WAS A MUDBLOOD!"



Step 2. Lure Potter away from his friends.


So. Step one hadn't gone quite according to the plan; in addition to thinking he was an annoying bastard, Potter now thought he was strange as well. Looking at it in the infirmary mirror, Draco winced as he gingerly touched his black eye. while waiting for Madam Pomfrey to be done with an annoying first-year whose face had been turned upside down. Draco thought it was outrageous that a little first-year should come before him, but there you go. Explain the logic of a school nurse.


"So, Mr Malfoy, how did this happen?" asked Madam Pomfrey when she finally came over to take care of him.


"Potter attacked me. I tell you, that boy is a menace. He should be expelled - he nearly killed me!"


"I'm sure it was entirely unprovoked," she said dryly.


Draco figured he had been there after fights with Potter a few times too many for Madam Pomfrey to believe that Potter ever attacked him without reason. He grumbled non-committally and let her prod him until she was satisfied.


Walking out of the infirmary, he decided to skip Potions with the excuse that he'd been too shocked to attend; he wanted to make a statement.


He walked into his dorm and pulled out his special box from under the bed. Badge-making for Creative Witches and Wizards. Soon, Potter would get what was coming to him.


***


At lunch, Draco swaggered into the Great Hall wearing a bright green lightning-shaped badge with silver lettering: Potter is an unstable bastard with idiotic priorities. It wasn't as witty as the badges he'd made in previous years, but it got his point across. He walked past the Gryffindor table, making sure that Potter would see it.


"Malfoy." Weasel King had spoken up.


"Weasel," said Draco sweetly.


"Still as childish as ever, I see," said Ron.


"Leave it, Ron. He's just trying to get a rise from us," said Harry, calmly, not even looking up from his plate.


"Exactly!" exclaimed Draco. "See how much better I am than your friends? I am so much more sophisticated, witty, good-looking, well educat--"


"Go away." Potter was glaring quite impressively at him, and Draco backed away slowly as Harry added, "I am not in the mood to deal with you today."


Draco stalked away toward the Slytherin table. Convincing Harry that he was better than his current friends was obviously not going to be as easy he had hoped.


***


Next Tuesday, in Potions, Draco accidentally dropped a pinch of Wartcap powder into the Weasel's cauldron on his way back to his seat. He sat down and added his Lobelia seeds inconspicuously. Any time now, everyone would be able to see how much better he was than Weasley.


And, sure enough, Weasel's cauldron exploded promptly as the plebe added his Lobelia seeds. Draco didn't bother to hide his laughter as Weasley, now covered in light blue goo and slowly growing horns, cursed.


"Incompetent as usual, I see," said Professor Snape, smirking at Weasley. "Detention, Weasley. And you, too, Potter, as well as twenty points from Gryffindor."


Draco smiled and leaned over the aisle towards the seething Potter.


"See how much better I am than your friends? If you'd been sitting with me, you wouldn't have been in detention now!" He looked gleefully at Weasley, who couldn't keep his head up straight for the weight of his horns. "And I look better, too."


***


Draco stepped up behind Potter's Mudblood right before their Care of Magical Creatures lesson and discreetly pushed her into the mud. He pushed her so discreetly that she slid two metres and Draco himself had to fight to keep his balance, but he managed, and when he straightened up, he smiled innocently at Harry.


"See," he said brightly. "I am better than her! And I do look better!"


Shortly after that, though, he was unable to continue the lesson due to the broken ribs and black eye he'd received. Potter really was the most unstable person he'd ever met - really, you couldn't insult his friends in peace without him throwing a tantrum. On the plus side, Potter got another detention for it.



Step 3. Get him into the Slytherin dorms to seduce him.


Draco was sulking. His plan to get Potter into bed wasn't working. He was supposed to be in the final stage now - surely, this shouldn't have taken more than a few days? He had been trying to convince Potter how much better he was than Weasel and Granger for a whole week now, and Potter still hadn't given in. What was he doing wrong? He was better looking than both Weasel and Mudblood put together - not that it was a feat or anything, but Potter should just agree and act on it.


"Malfoy?"


Draco looked back, spotting Potter standing there, looking for all the world as though Draco was a ghost or a beast - maybe something that awful Hagrid liked to keep under his bed. "Go away, moron."


Potter's cheeks flushed red with anger, and it was not fetching at all. "Apparently even civil conversation is completely beyond you," he spat viciously.


Draco wondered why Potter was there. "At least I'm better than all the Weasels at it. Can they even pronounce civil?"


Potter looked coldly at him, his lip curling slightly in disgust. "And you wonder why I chose Ron over you," he whispered and turned on his heel.


"How scathing," shouted Draco after him. "As though I'd ever want to be friends with you!" he muttered loudly as he turned away from Potter and started walking with long, powerful strides.


"I came here to tell you that if you can prove that you mean what you've been saying for the past week, I could agree to see you outside the Great Hall at midnight tomorrow."


Draco turned to stare at Potter, but he was already gone.


***


The next day, Draco walked into class wearing a badge that said, "Potter, you sexy moron, if you fail to meet me outside the Great Hall tomorrow at midnight sharp, I will rape you, disembowel you and, lastly, fry you alive." It covered his chest entirely.




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19 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry

Comments:

From:idroppedarice
Date:July 21st, 2004 05:44 am (UTC)
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lmao! That was hilarious! I absolutely loved it, dear. *schnoogles*

H/D: theirloveissoneedingtobespelledoutacrossDraco'schest.

He grumbled non-committally and let her prod him until she was satisfied.

And you said there wasn't a squick pairing! *cackles*
From:ebilebil
Date:July 21st, 2004 06:25 am (UTC)
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Thank you! *schnoogles back*

H/D: theirloveissoneedingtobespelledoutacrossDraco'schest

Lol! *grins*

And you said there wasn't a squick pairing! *cackles*

Eek! I'd be very squicked by that if I wasn't used to myself. She wants payment from the students as well, eh?
From:hidden_gems
Date:July 21st, 2004 06:47 am (UTC)
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That was just *so* wicked, thank you very much. The crowd wants more!!
From:slumber
Date:July 21st, 2004 07:39 am (UTC)
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LOL. That was so funny. :P

It covered his chest entirely.

I should. He's trying to make a point, you know. >:D
From:daniellafromage
Date:July 21st, 2004 08:10 am (UTC)
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*dead from giggling too hard*

I have to have a badge like Draco's. Um, no one would understand it out of context, but it would amuse me no end.

*loffs*
From:gifted_dream
Date:July 21st, 2004 11:27 am (UTC)
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Haha, that was so funny! Wonderful! *Hands over cookie*
From:awkward_essa
Date:July 21st, 2004 01:21 pm (UTC)
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I love this. I have no time for real comments, sadly. Loved it, though.
From:souliesoul
Date:July 21st, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC)
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Hehe! Excellent!
~Soul
From:jaig
Date:July 22nd, 2004 02:29 am (UTC)
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<3333333333333333333333
From:gertiekeddle
Date:July 23rd, 2004 09:46 am (UTC)
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I really do love the whole story but

"YOUR MOTHER WAS A MUDBLOOD!"

I think this is my favourite part!

Maybe not ... maybe it's Potter really was the most unstable person he'd ever met or ... the whole of step 3

*sigh* There are just so many good parts!


From:gryffindorkylie
Date:August 1st, 2004 02:54 pm (UTC)
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I like this fanfic so much. It's so cute! hehe... I think you should write a continuation to this fanfic... It rocks! :)
From:ebilebil
Date:August 2nd, 2004 11:24 am (UTC)
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Thank you! <3<3<3

It seems a lot of people wants me to continue this, and I promise, if I ever get a good idea for a sequel/second chapter, I'll write it, but I don't want to continue it for the sake of continuing, if you get my drift? I'll keep it in mind, though. <3
From:starlollie
Date:November 6th, 2004 12:01 pm (UTC)
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This was sooo funny i spent the whole time reading it with a perma-smile :)
From:sailorsimba
Date:November 6th, 2004 05:45 pm (UTC)
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Wow, thank you! *grins* It's always nice to know someone has enjoyed this.
From:fianna_fialena
Date:March 19th, 2005 09:21 am (UTC)
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*pets angel*

Sooo funny! :D
From:sylvia_sylver
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC)

LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

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That was so freaking hilarious!!! I was cracking up so much. I was laughing more reading this then at the Family Guy episode I was watching earlier. This was just so great. I loved how you characterized Draco and the badge idea was clever. Good job. Loved it. You must continue this. Gotta go read it again.
From:sailorsimba
Date:August 8th, 2005 03:27 pm (UTC)

Re: LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Haha, thank you very much ;) Glad you think so highly of me XD
From:zentiis
Date:October 22nd, 2005 11:27 am (UTC)
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-flails-
i luff-ed it!
i want your babies!
From:xdcccv
Date:February 17th, 2013 09:33 am (UTC)
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Log in and let the naughty fun begin! Go Here welcomemyhomecat.blogspot.com